


MARS

by orphan_account



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aro - Freeform, Aro headcanons, Aromantic, Gen, aromantic kashaw, even if they're kind of assholes, friends support friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-04-25 05:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22272457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: TW: slight reference of sexual abuse/assault, reference to kash's backstory which is just-- real fucked upHey so I project again onto characters. I know technically zahra and kash are supposed to be marriage and fall in love but you know what this is my story so i fuck with characters whoopstitle is a reference to a sleeping at last song because tbh it's a kash moodalso im writing 2016 characters in the year of gays 2020 so. this is a niche fucking audience
Relationships: (background), Keyleth/Kashaw Vesh, Keyleth/Vax'ildan (Critical Role), Zahra Hydris & Kashaw Vesh
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	MARS

**Author's Note:**

> zahra is asexual and bi, kash is aro ace, pike is grey-romantic and bi, grog is aromantic heterosexual because fuck the rules gay rights

There was never a time Kashaw Vesh remembered fondly previous to now. 

And he seriously wished he was joking when he thought that. 

Still, he quickly ran through the bullet points just to be sure; 

-Taken from a family he’ll never know   
-Never got a childhood  
-Consummate marriage at 15th naming day  
-Showed immeasurable horrors  
-Married (though this SOUNDS nice, he knows above all that his oath and tie to this bitch of a goddess is one he will forever wish he died before experiencing)   
-Killed everyone he grew up with  
-Tried to kill a goddess, his wife, and failed  
-Lost one of his pretty sick fucking looking eyes to the color blue  
-Did some shitty things, ended up in debt to a monster hunting fan club   
-Actually kind of enjoyed it  
-Stayed  
-Met Zahra

Alright well now this… was just dissolving into a list of things that were going okay for him. The Slayers Take was a family, though a pretty disjointed one. Zahra is… she’s always been one of the most amazing things that has happened to him in his shitty short life.

Meeting Vox Machina… now that’s something that was still up for debate. 

Meeting Keyleth is another. 

And now we’re back to square one of being happy for fuckin’ once, and now he has to deal with things that AREN’T life threatening, like feelings. 

Disgusting. 

Keyleth is something new. Zahra, she was his sister. The first one to look past the tough bravado, the thick facade he set up. She was… possibly the only person he felt he could ever be gentle with. Let himself be quiet, allow him to feel. And she would never take advantage of that kindness, the same way he’d never take advantage of her. 

And now Keyleth is here and… well she’s fucking a lot of things up. She’s, well, she’s beautiful. One of the most gorgeous beings he’s ever laid his eyes on. Not to mention, one of the most badass. She breaks open oceans, she slaughters monsters, she can make herself into these cool fucking monsters but still shine like the sun on a party cloudy day. 

He’s starting to sound like some of those cheesy books he sees Zahra pick up from time to time. (Which he’s definitely never read out loud to her because she was just lying there, hurt, and what the fuck else was he supposed to do while he waited for her to heal). 

Kash is… pretty sure this is love. If the books and everything have proven life correctly, this is when he’s supposed to fall in love. Zahra is the sisterly figure who will help him get a date through his own inability to be social proficient, which means the second female who hasn’t completely fucked over his life has to be the one he falls in love with. Right? 

Okay, so where the fuck is the payoff? 

Where’s the butterflies in the stomach, where’s the feeling of light that shines so bright through his soul that he can’t do anything but think about her. When Zahra describes being in love, she says she feels it in her soul, in her heart. That she can feel her skin go all tingly and she feels like the world will end if she doesn’t get one more sentence in with them. 

He had mentioned after that whole flowery speech, that he was pretty sure that's just a flu. She found that endlessly humorous, as if she knew something he didn’t. 

But he didn’t get that with Keyleth. Sure, he admired her. When she got ready for battle, he knew she was going to have his back. When she breathed fucking fire, he felt like their group could take over the fucking world. She’s never put him down, didn’t judge him for his story even though it was definitely the wrong time to mention it. Kash feels like he can tell her so much, he feels like she’s a safe place to land when he falls. 

That… IS love, isn’t it? 

Well he… supposes that how he feels about a Zahra? So maybe he’s in love with Zahra. 

That would really fuck things up cause he really likes her a lot as a friend, he hopes to the GODS he’s not in love with her.

And that’s almost exactly what he tells her after two drinks and a lot of anxiety bursting up. 

“I think I’m in love with you.” He slurs out quickly, thinking maybe he can just get this over with-- start the process of finding out how to get OUT of love because god he does not want that. They’re in a pub after a long battle with a bunch of dire wolves, and he thinks that if maybe she says she likes him too, he can be out of the city by morning. 

“No you’re not.” Zahra rolls her eyes and takes another casual sip of her drink. The bartender drops another two drinks in front of them after Zahra simply flickers her eyes over her form. She gives her a wink. 

Not really the answer he was expecting, to be honest. 

“I-I think I am! When I think about Keyleth, all those things you said-- I mean I don’t… I don’t feel those exactly. But I trust her and think she’s absolutely spectacular, and I feel that same way about you. Isn’t… that’s LOVE right? You said it was!” 

“Who else do you feel this way about?” 

“No one!” 

“Well, even momentarily?” 

Okay, well that’s another subject entirely. He pauses and thinks for a long time, tilting his head.

“I feel that way when Grog says I’m intimidating. After we scared that rude guy in the market? He said I was a ‘big scary motherfucker’ and I felt like that.” He says. 

“Anyone else?” Zahra prods. 

“I feel like that when I spar with Vax or Percy. They’re skilled fighters, intimidating and kind. They’re both amazingly badass, and seeing their talent makes me want to do better. And then I.. usually feel that same way again.” Kash groans and presses his face into his hands, “Oh god, I’m in love with ALL of them too? Gods, this fucking sucks.” 

Zahra sputters on her drink and laughs so hard she nearly falls out of her chair while Kash looks on, extremely confused. 

“Cmon Zee, don’t be a dick! I’m going through a life crisis here!” 

“Darling,” She muses, trying to stifle her giggles, “Have you ever considered maybe instead of being in love with all of them-- you’re in love with none of them?” 

Kash never lives down the expression of blank awe at the mere idea. Zahra brings it up nearly every week since, ‘ oh the look on your FACE darling it had never occured to you ‘! 

It was a weight off his chest to know he wasn’t in love with them, thank the gods. 

“But, I’ve always felt different with you.” Okay, it’s practice into prospect, he knew what to do. He’s read the books. He places a hand on her knee and leans forward. 

Zahra could not look more disinterested. 

“Zee, I really think that I--” She rolls her eyes, and swoops his face into her hands, pressing a kiss to his lips. 

Its for a few beats, it’s warm, her skin is always radiating heat like that. She pulls back and cocks an eyebrow, “How do you feel?” 

Kash looks at her dumbly before letting out a small, “Absolutely nothing.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Like, really, nothing. I kinda thought something, you know? But it was just-- I just pressed skin against skin. Also extremely awkward and gross. Let’s please never do this again.” 

“Agreed.” Zahra says, a look of discomfort also crossing her features, “That was kind of gross.” 

“It was like kissing my sister.” He said, face screwing into disgust. 

“It really was.” She agreed, shuddering. 

\--

Alright, so he wasn’t in love with Zahra. And apparently not Keyleth either. A huge relief, honestly, because he ‘spur of the moment’ kissed her and had been feeling awkward about mentioning it again. Really, it did nothing for him. 

Later on when they meet and talk, she expresses how she’s definitely fallen for Vax, and how things between them couldn’t work.

Kash couldn’t be more relieved. 

It all came out in a rush, that he was sorry he ever kissed her, that he was sorry for leading her on if he did, and that he really didn’t think he’s fallen in love before-- all of it just gushing from a place of anxiety he had been nursing since his conversation with Zahra. 

Keyleth giggled, “Kash it’s-- that’s a thing.” 

Why was this such a pattern? Why did it seem like everyone knew something he didn’t? What the fuck was going on? 

This was starting to get less and less funny. 

“Keyleth stop-- don’t fucking laugh-- this is serious! I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on and…” He trails off, clenching his jaw, “I’ve only known things the way everyone told me it would go. They said I’d love my wife and I didn’t, they said I’d love Zahra and I do, but not the way they mean. And I just… I thought this was the way it was supposed to be. I thought you and me… things would finally just fucking…” He throws up his hands, “Click, I guess. Is something fucking wrong with me? Is this because of Vesh? Am I cursed or some shit?” 

In a sudden movement, Keyleth lays her hand reassuringly on his shoulders, and reaches the other up to pull his chin. He looks her in the eyes. She looks way too serious for something that’s entirely his fault. 

“Kash,” She says, her voice all too tender, “There is nothing wrong with you.” 

“I doubt it considering everyone else seems to be doing just fuckin’ fine with their partners.” He scowls. 

“Kash just because you haven’t met someone like that, doesn’t mean that you’re alone in this. You know Pike and Grog, yeah?” 

“Obviously, Kik.” 

“Well Grog and Pike are like that too kinda.” 

Kash’s eyebrows furrow, “What?” 

“Grog, he really loves women and all that, but he isn’t really one for romance.” 

“Well yeah, that’s just his choice though.” 

“It’s not. Grog really struggled in his old clan with finding a wife or just a partner because he simply doesn’t feel those kinds of emotions for other people.” 

“So what, the dude likes the fuck?” 

“Well, yes, but that’s not the point. He can’t fall in love, even though there’s a lot of times he wishes he could.” 

“And Pike?” 

“She never felt in love with anyone before Scanlan.” 

“So? Isn’t that what everyone else feels?” 

“Not exactly. Some of us have crushes on multiple people at several times. Like, we fall in love many times-- it doesn’t always work out-- but people do!” 

“That sounds like a gross amount of work.” 

“It is.” Keyleth giggles, “But it’s worth it in my mind to find the perfect person for me. Pike’s never fallen for anyone like that before, and then one day she just fell for Scanlan. It scared the shit out of her.” 

Kash gets that. He would be too if he started randomly having flu symptoms and obsessing over a person like that. 

“The point is, Kash, you’re not alone in these feelings. Not with us, and not in the world. You can always find someone like you. And there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are anything but broken Kashaw.” 

“So… so it’s cool that I never really fell in love with you?” 

“Totally cool, Cashew. None of us will think of you differently. You’re so much more than just who you do or do not love.” 

He smiles and snorts. “I didn’t mean to be… very dramatic.” 

“You weren’t.” 

Kash snorts and lightly punches her shoulder, “Whatever. This… pretended I never kissed you, alright? That was a bad time.” 

“How could I? It was just so charming.” She teases, mock swooning into his arms. He rolls his eyes and drops her briefly to grab her again. He couldn’t really drop her right now. 

“Ready to head back to the group?” Keyleth smiles and stands back up, giving him an award winning look of pride.

“For sure, Kik.” He responds, feeling like the world finally got off his back. He wasn’t broken. He was just… Kashaw. And while that wasn’t his favorite thing to be, at least Kash could admit he was anything but broken these days with Zahra and Vox Machina around. 

“Alright, c’mon you amorless bastard, we’ve got dragons to slay.” She nods and pulls him back to the group, and while they’re holding hands, it seems like no one seems to mind. Maybe they all knew before he did that he just couldn’t feel that way. Not broken. Just Kash. And there wasn’t anything wrong with that in their eyes. 

And that night, as he laid down to rest against the roots of a tree, seeing the group of Vox Machina and Zahra giggle and laugh as they drank down their ale, he didn’t feel as though he was really missing much in terms of love.


End file.
